All the articles in the "Self" (aka useless) section are written for my own reading. But having chosen to present them on a website, rather than lying quietly in a local folder, they are likely to have readers.
It was while writing my last article that the idea flashed through me, and I started thinking about "about readers" --- and perhaps one of the reasons that prompted me to make it easier to understand. There are many things that I don't talk about with others, but I have a desire to express beyond "just talking to myself", and writing here can be considered as a compromise.
Quite contradictory.
My mind may indeed be rather complex and sensitive, or it is sentimental. I expected others to perceive this through words and was embarrassed by that idea.
"Embarrassment".
Actually, I'm a pretty abstract person. In life, I will definitely use "It’s tough" and "Too much" to understate the "embarrassment" I feel, but this is not the case when I write things. I may have a good understanding of my own writing style: verbose, pretentious, self-righteous, pragmatic tone behind the smug and invincible lurking, trying to use long and boring sentences to achieve the relatively accurate expression in my mind as much as possible, but it may not be easy to read. The previous sentence is both an illustration and an example.
Maybe it's about maintaining some nihilistic style, creating some depth to wrap yourself differently—maybe I can't accept pulling off some of the definitions that I given to myself.
The embarrassment didn't stop me from being passionate about everything this blog is all about. It's a form of beauty for me (and I do put a lot of effort into the looks), and I'm constantly excited to have such a space.
But it also makes me apprehensive about what the readers think. Eager to be understood, but also afraid of being misunderstood.
After all, these are texts for readers other than myself, so it's more or less reserved. But the one living in these words is more real than the one others know. So don't mind interpreting all this as an attempt, in the process of alleviating real loneliness with readers who I do not need to face them directly, although the distance is still far,it also increases the possibility of escaping.
